Pain

I was recently diagnosed with a painful disorder that has changed my life. I have tried to remain composed, and hopeful; however, I broke down today. I wrote a rather messy poem to get myself through it.

To know it will not go away breaks me into deformed fragments on the cold ground.

Gripping my soul,

wrapping its evil, ebony tendrils around, around

so tight there’s only room to suffocate

There is no breathing through this pain.

Making even the strongest weep,

this is my pain.

My new, unwanted friend that will never go away.

Like a dark companion finding torture to be the best light

White hot pain caressing its way smoothly throughout my within

Hope is no longer a fragrant, budding flower.

It now lays dead in pieces on the earth, just like me

There is no hope.

There is only pain.

Pain that knows its way into the darkest crevices of this broken vessel.

Weeping only makes it wiser, darker, ambitious

this pain that has become my world is my only true friend.

Only the one that hurts my body understands what is felt

Only the obsidian within can understand like a friend

This horrific creator of misery now holds my lost soul.

Pain has made me lost.

It has taken my life away.

All is lost, so I must be lost in this world of pain where pain itself is hosting my own personal game show.

How delightful.

I am the star of pain.

The epitome of suffering,

who could love such a miserable being?

What can I conquer, when THIS is what life now holds?

Wanting to scream, but knowing I should not. So I scream from within as it courses its way across my bare skin.

Plagued with pain, I can no longer be found

Dominated by pain, I can only be lost

Pain has destroyed me.

It has shredded everything behind this facade put forth for all those that might be looking.

Fools! They think I am okay.

If they could hear me from inside, they would shower endless, drenching rains of pity.

I would drown in it.

Pity only empowers the pain.

Despising pity, here I sit pretending to give a shit about the world all around me, when I am concerned about my world within.

I am a lost soul encompassed in pain.

Only a tragic path can lay ahead.

Pain’s obsidian hand extends,

I take it.

I give in.

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What If He Knew?

What if he knew there is darkness within

tangling its way along my skin

wrapping itself around my heart

ripping me apart

 

stretching me thin

I try, but cannot grin.

Why won’t it depart?

How did this start?

 

Darkness has no discipline.

It plays me like a violin.

This darkness I cannot outsmart

painting its way, creating its own dark art

 

This obsidian within

I fight, yet cannot win

The tendrils of ebony are smart.

They won’t let go of my  heart.

 

 

Reality!!

It has been awhile. I got lost in life, but now I need to write. It has been a rough 3 months full of ups and downs. It was only a matter of time before the dramatic ups and downs of life got to me. I’m surprised it took this long. Apparently, the medication cocktail I am on has been working, but I feel something that I had almost forgotten. It has happened off and on the last week, but now I recognize it for what it is. It is so faint compared to what it used to be, but it is still there. Will nothing ever make it go away?

I am in a mixed episode, and I didn’t even know until now. A moment where I suddenly felt like I wanted to crawl in bed, and cry. I won’t succumb to it. I won’t give in. I am fighting it, but how long can I keep it up? I know what’s going to follow. In a mixed episode there are the ups and down… just like the reality of my life. I feel really alone in this. I have no one that I can open up to, so I turned to this in hopes that writing about it will make me feel better. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I am realizing that it is not helping, but I might as well continue what I started.

The last few months feel like a year. It has been one crazy thing after the other. I miss July. At least the parts before the 26th day of the month. That’s when I had my first down in life followed by another down. Things went up soon after, but reality got in the way. Life plummeted back down. This has happened nonstop, and now I am currently in one of the downs. This down is what finally got to me. It feels as if a thousand pieces of harsh reality have stabbed away at me for the last 2 1/2 weeks. Now I am a bloody mess. This is my reality now.

I was told that I need to handle stress better. I found this insulting, because that person didn’t understand. They have no idea what it’s like for someone with 4 disorders, when it comes to stress. I can handle some stress. I have it all the time, but when there is excessive stress I can’t do it. It’s not within my power. It feels as if my disorders control me. Maybe if I was normal, I would be able to handle it like them. Maybe if I hadn’t been plagued with this endless shit that messes with my head, I would be able to handle it like them. I tried to explain, but they didn’t get it. They lectured me for running away from a stressful situation. Maybe if they had listened to what I said, or understood even a little of what it’s like for me, they wouldn’t have cast judgement down on me. Maybe then they would have known why I ran away from more stress. Look at me now! Are you hearing me!?

Can you imagine what more stress would have done to me? I saw that horrible hospital  in my mind. That place with a dark cloud hanging over it where all the sad, or mentally ill people go. I can’t go back there. The last time I was there an idiot changed all of my meds, but that is obviously not the only reason. Nobody wants to go where sadness, and a dark reality are shoved right before your eyes. Everywhere you turn the reality of other peoples lives can clearly be seen, and they can see mine if they are looking. Reality is ugly there.

I guess I will wait out the reality of my current situation. There is so much going wrong, and very little going right. There are so many horrible, horrible things happening, but this is what I needed. Crying over my keyboard as I type about my harsh reality is helping. Sometimes you just need to cry. I never cry unless I am in an episode. I hate crying. To me my tears are a sign of how weak I am. Kind of like how that person pointed out that I need to handle stress better, and make better decisions. I’m sorry for my language, but what the fuck do they know about my reality? The audacity of that person sickens me. I thought they cared. I thought they understood. I thought they would listen. I was wrong… very wrong. I guess that’s reality. Reality is a bitch.

Forever and More

A brilliant glimmering universe trickled like a dream, and lived as the beautiful song of breath for time. Flowing towards forever, and continuing on through the stars in the dark. When it is light, there is still an expanse of night. It is all around. The one thing that is lasting. The one immensity that will always be.

A place that holds forevermore is an exceptional phenomenon, and perhaps not a place at all. It is journey of the untold. A place of magic in the flickering stars of the night. A quantity of the always that can never be understood making it extraordinarily spellbinding. That is truly magnificent all in itself.

Yesterday

It was a bad day. I woke up today thinking it would be better, and so far it is. I need to make some changes in my life. That is where I must begin. The medication helps, but it helps to an extent. I have made changes before, but it’s like I regressed somehow. I don’t know at which point it happened, but I am certainly back at square one. Time to hit that reset button I think……

If only it were that easy! HA! I want to thank you all for your support and well wishes. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone. Being alone in this struggle is sometimes what you feel  you need, but it’s not exactly a wise thing. Going about your life in silence, while you hurt and scream inside is not what works. I realize that now. I speak my mind. I do what I have to do to make myself feel better…. well, as good as it can get in that moment. Living in the moment….hmmm, is that the key?

 

Suicide

Now that the lithium is gone the thoughts come popping up from time to time….. usually when stressed. I won’t act. I don’t have the luxury to act, but it isn’t exactly fun to experience this feeling or ideas. Along with the lithium being gone, I had surgery-stress, relationship issues-stress, and a doctor that put me on prednisone for after my surgery…. this causes episodes. He didn’t do his research. Anyway, I am on a slow med increase for lamictal, which I was on before I was hospitalized and had it callously taken away and replaced with a medication that gave me horrid acne. I also had an increase on the ziprasidone, which my body has grown used to and is not affecting me like it was at first.

Anyway, I am climbing out of a hole again. Go figure. I wonder when I will fall into the next one?

Loneliness and Acceptance

There is a man. One that is wonderful, yet a bit moody. I’m the bipolar one! It’s okay. I can withstand the occasional moodiness…… I have been there. The issue is that he works 5 hours away during the week. This works to my advantage during the school year, when I need to do endless schoolwork and have no time for anything but it and my beautiful daughter; however, now it is the summer, and my free time is endless. His free time remains severely restricted. We are currently looking at a month where we will see each other for at the most 6 hours…. for an entire month!!! It’s driving me crazy! LITERALLY!! I adore him, but I go back and forth on this. I always said I needed a relationship where I was still given a lot of freedom. I have it, but now I feel like I need a little less freedom and a little more time with the guy I adore. He dislikes the restrictions just as much, and hates the 5ish hour drive; however, he is holding out for a bonus that comes in a couple months before he looks for work in the area we actually live in. By this time, I will be back in school and back to my restricted time…. ugh…. I am all alone, but in a relationship? How is this supposed to progress with me by myself? I understand why. I understand the need for it to be this way. I now understand that maybe I don’t like so much freedom in a relationship, and maybe a relationship that is struggling is causing me to go a bit…. depressed and manic all at the same time. Although, the mania might be the pot of coffee I drink in the morning. I won’t give up on this. I am only stating that it is hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be…. but aren’t all relationships hard? I can’t recall a single one that was easy. I suppose if my biggest problem is feeling lonesome for my man I am not that bad off. I have lived through worse. It is not easy. I despise feeling alone….

Have I mentioned that my daughter is currently spending two weeks with her father every month until September? That isn’t helping either. She is my rock. You take my rock away and I float away…. so I am even more alone. Very alone. I feel so lonely. The tears well up in my eyes. Nobody sees it. I am good at hiding my sad eyes. This sad feeling of being alone leaves a hole in my heart that can only be filled by her. My heart is in her hands, and when she isn’t here to hold it, I become a mess. This mess is trying to contain itself, but how can it when there is no one there to help hold together the broken pieces? She will be back soon for a short while, and I can rest easy on that thought.

….but what of my relationship?

Something happened last night. He officially witnessed the ugliness within me…perhaps it was only over the phone, but it was still horrible. Have I found someone who accepts my flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses and still looks at me like a normal human being? I felt he handled the situation quite well, but my intuition is telling me that maybe it hasn’t been handled as well as it seems. Maybe I am being paranoid and don’t want to lose him? I was already dumped because of my disorder. I have an irrational fear that it might happen again. That person left me when I was at one of the lowest points of my life. It hurt to be shunned because of what my disorder can create in me. I’m not nearly as bad as I was then, but I had a moment last night…… I fear I may have scared him, but he claims that he will stand by me during even my ugliest days. I hope there is truth in that. It’s difficult to find someone who will accept me.  Acceptance is difficult to find in a lot of aspects of my life…. even family.

“I feel as if I’m made to understand but not to be understood.” -anonymous

I am an enigma. I change all the time, and not because I intend to. It takes a strong person to understand me, or to even want to understand me. Once I am understood, it takes a strong person to withstand what they see. Being bipolar mixes up everything, and medications help…. but it’s like they only go so far. Things still happen. If a man can see all of that, accept it, and then eventually love me (bipolar and all), I will have found an exceptional person to not give up on regardless of distance and time spent apart. I can survive being lonely. I have friends I can count on when things get rough. It seems I talked myself through all this by simply typing it out. Good thing. It’s time I accomplished something today.