Some Insightful Thoughts

How the world sees you does not matter. What’s important is how you see yourself, and you can only look at yourself from the inside facing out.

It’s not how others perceive you. It’s how you perceive yourself, for in imperfections there still lays beauty that can bloom and grow.

To be at ease with the world, universe, and everything in between in that place where it all becomes one brings about a sense of significance that can only be felt where all things meet to become a whole. Dragonflies-LilacThe trees standing tall, swaying waves of grass, rainbows of flowers by the river that flows smoothly over stones, the  dragonflies darting around in the air,  and so many more simple, beautiful things that cannot all be completely listed without spending days on the matter. The visual art all displayed naturally for any hungry eye to see and feel like the wind blowing calmly across everything in a truly magnificent way. All the things are in search of lost time, as it all passes by over all the pictures painted so perfectly displayed around existence and the unknown.

To live a life without purpose is to live in the dark. A place where you are unaware of how great you can be. Open your eyes to see the beauty through this dark haze. Let it uplift you, and bring you to a place where you may find your way. stock-footage-slow-motion-vintage-dress-female-running-wheat-field-freedomThere is light in the dark to guide those that have lost their sense of purpose. It’s as dark as night without purpose. Do not callously toss your life away to become one with the norm, following all the others that roam about the vast Earth results in losing originality that is there for you to express yourself, and be as real as the ground beneath your feet. We are all unique within this universe. Each of us holds a separate purpose all our own to behold. To follow a road down the path of least originality along with the monotonous tasks considered to exist in this “normal” atmosphere some of us hide in believing a solitude of normalcy all our own is a tragedy all in itself. What is normal? There is no such thing. Don’t pretend to be others in a facade of what you consider to be normal. That is not how success in life can be met. Be different, find a purpose, and live life as fully as it is meant to be.

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Pain

I was recently diagnosed with a painful disorder that has changed my life. I have tried to remain composed, and hopeful; however, I broke down today. I wrote a rather messy poem to get myself through it.

To know it will not go away breaks me into deformed fragments on the cold ground.

Gripping my soul,

wrapping its evil, ebony tendrils around, around

so tight there’s only room to suffocate

There is no breathing through this pain.

Making even the strongest weep,

this is my pain.

My new, unwanted friend that will never go away.

Like a dark companion finding torture to be the best light

White hot pain caressing its way smoothly throughout my within

Hope is no longer a fragrant, budding flower.

It now lays dead in pieces on the earth, just like me

There is no hope.

There is only pain.

Pain that knows its way into the darkest crevices of this broken vessel.

Weeping only makes it wiser, darker, ambitious

this pain that has become my world is my only true friend.

Only the one that hurts my body understands what is felt

Only the obsidian within can understand like a friend

This horrific creator of misery now holds my lost soul.

Pain has made me lost.

It has taken my life away.

All is lost, so I must be lost in this world of pain where pain itself is hosting my own personal game show.

How delightful.

I am the star of pain.

The epitome of suffering,

who could love such a miserable being?

What can I conquer, when THIS is what life now holds?

Wanting to scream, but knowing I should not. So I scream from within as it courses its way across my bare skin.

Plagued with pain, I can no longer be found

Dominated by pain, I can only be lost

Pain has destroyed me.

It has shredded everything behind this facade put forth for all those that might be looking.

Fools! They think I am okay.

If they could hear me from inside, they would shower endless, drenching rains of pity.

I would drown in it.

Pity only empowers the pain.

Despising pity, here I sit pretending to give a shit about the world all around me, when I am concerned about my world within.

I am a lost soul encompassed in pain.

Only a tragic path can lay ahead.

Pain’s obsidian hand extends,

I take it.

I give in.

What If He Knew?

What if he knew there is darkness within

tangling its way along my skin

wrapping itself around my heart

ripping me apart

 

stretching me thin

I try, but cannot grin.

Why won’t it depart?

How did this start?

 

Darkness has no discipline.

It plays me like a violin.

This darkness I cannot outsmart

painting its way, creating its own dark art

 

This obsidian within

I fight, yet cannot win

The tendrils of ebony are smart.

They won’t let go of my  heart.

 

 

Reality!!

It has been awhile. I got lost in life, but now I need to write. It has been a rough 3 months full of ups and downs. It was only a matter of time before the dramatic ups and downs of life got to me. I’m surprised it took this long. Apparently, the medication cocktail I am on has been working, but I feel something that I had almost forgotten. It has happened off and on the last week, but now I recognize it for what it is. It is so faint compared to what it used to be, but it is still there. Will nothing ever make it go away?

I am in a mixed episode, and I didn’t even know until now. A moment where I suddenly felt like I wanted to crawl in bed, and cry. I won’t succumb to it. I won’t give in. I am fighting it, but how long can I keep it up? I know what’s going to follow. In a mixed episode there are the ups and down… just like the reality of my life. I feel really alone in this. I have no one that I can open up to, so I turned to this in hopes that writing about it will make me feel better. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I am realizing that it is not helping, but I might as well continue what I started.

The last few months feel like a year. It has been one crazy thing after the other. I miss July. At least the parts before the 26th day of the month. That’s when I had my first down in life followed by another down. Things went up soon after, but reality got in the way. Life plummeted back down. This has happened nonstop, and now I am currently in one of the downs. This down is what finally got to me. It feels as if a thousand pieces of harsh reality have stabbed away at me for the last 2 1/2 weeks. Now I am a bloody mess. This is my reality now.

I was told that I need to handle stress better. I found this insulting, because that person didn’t understand. They have no idea what it’s like for someone with 4 disorders, when it comes to stress. I can handle some stress. I have it all the time, but when there is excessive stress I can’t do it. It’s not within my power. It feels as if my disorders control me. Maybe if I was normal, I would be able to handle it like them. Maybe if I hadn’t been plagued with this endless shit that messes with my head, I would be able to handle it like them. I tried to explain, but they didn’t get it. They lectured me for running away from a stressful situation. Maybe if they had listened to what I said, or understood even a little of what it’s like for me, they wouldn’t have cast judgement down on me. Maybe then they would have known why I ran away from more stress. Look at me now! Are you hearing me!?

Can you imagine what more stress would have done to me? I saw that horrible hospital  in my mind. That place with a dark cloud hanging over it where all the sad, or mentally ill people go. I can’t go back there. The last time I was there an idiot changed all of my meds, but that is obviously not the only reason. Nobody wants to go where sadness, and a dark reality are shoved right before your eyes. Everywhere you turn the reality of other peoples lives can clearly be seen, and they can see mine if they are looking. Reality is ugly there.

I guess I will wait out the reality of my current situation. There is so much going wrong, and very little going right. There are so many horrible, horrible things happening, but this is what I needed. Crying over my keyboard as I type about my harsh reality is helping. Sometimes you just need to cry. I never cry unless I am in an episode. I hate crying. To me my tears are a sign of how weak I am. Kind of like how that person pointed out that I need to handle stress better, and make better decisions. I’m sorry for my language, but what the fuck do they know about my reality? The audacity of that person sickens me. I thought they cared. I thought they understood. I thought they would listen. I was wrong… very wrong. I guess that’s reality. Reality is a bitch.

Forever and More

A brilliant glimmering universe trickled like a dream, and lived as the beautiful song of breath for time. Flowing towards forever, and continuing on through the stars in the dark. When it is light, there is still an expanse of night. It is all around. The one thing that is lasting. The one immensity that will always be.

A place that holds forevermore is an exceptional phenomenon, and perhaps not a place at all. It is journey of the untold. A place of magic in the flickering stars of the night. A quantity of the always that can never be understood making it extraordinarily spellbinding. That is truly magnificent all in itself.

Yesterday

It was a bad day. I woke up today thinking it would be better, and so far it is. I need to make some changes in my life. That is where I must begin. The medication helps, but it helps to an extent. I have made changes before, but it’s like I regressed somehow. I don’t know at which point it happened, but I am certainly back at square one. Time to hit that reset button I think……

If only it were that easy! HA! I want to thank you all for your support and well wishes. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone. Being alone in this struggle is sometimes what you feel  you need, but it’s not exactly a wise thing. Going about your life in silence, while you hurt and scream inside is not what works. I realize that now. I speak my mind. I do what I have to do to make myself feel better…. well, as good as it can get in that moment. Living in the moment….hmmm, is that the key?

 

Suicide

Now that the lithium is gone the thoughts come popping up from time to time….. usually when stressed. I won’t act. I don’t have the luxury to act, but it isn’t exactly fun to experience this feeling or ideas. Along with the lithium being gone, I had surgery-stress, relationship issues-stress, and a doctor that put me on prednisone for after my surgery…. this causes episodes. He didn’t do his research. Anyway, I am on a slow med increase for lamictal, which I was on before I was hospitalized and had it callously taken away and replaced with a medication that gave me horrid acne. I also had an increase on the ziprasidone, which my body has grown used to and is not affecting me like it was at first.

Anyway, I am climbing out of a hole again. Go figure. I wonder when I will fall into the next one?